String Boys, page 35
“How’d she do?”
“She’s brilliant. All my sisters are brilliant. I’m the dumbshit who’s just plugging along in mediocrity here, Seth, and you’re… you’re willing to settle for that!”
Seth couldn’t sit up. He couldn’t sit up, and he couldn’t yell, and it wasn’t fair. “Stop it,” he rasped. “Stop it. Dammit, Kelly, I’m not settling for anything. This mediocre thing you’re freaking out about? That’s all I ever wanted.”
“Well, you need to find it somewhere else, because I’m not willing to let you throw yourself away on me and my fucking sinkhole of a life. You need to walk away.”
Seth pulled in a gasp and then coughed and then swore. “No,” he rasped. “And fuck you for doing this when I….” He caught his breath again and realized that even though he’d spent his whole life working on using as few words as possible, they were going to have to do it for him now.
“I. Will. Never. Walk. Away.”
Kelly was still crying. All Seth wanted to do was soothe him when he was crying, but he couldn’t.
“Please, baby. For me. Maybe… maybe someday, my brother will be dead, and I can just walk out of this fucking town, and maybe you’ll still be single. But maybe you won’t. And if you’re not, that’ll… that’ll be what was best for you. Because right now, I’m not what’s best for you. I’m pissed off, Seth. I’m pissed off, and I’m… I’m… God. I hate. I have so much hatred in my heart right now. I’m afraid it will just poison everything I’ve ever felt for you, and I….” His voice cracked in a sob, and he kept on going. “I can’t let that happen. You’re my good thing. You’re the one good thing in my life. And if I let the rest of this shit touch you, I wouldn’t even have that anymore. So you gotta… you gotta stay away. Please. If you love me, you’ll stay away. Because I love you, and I’m not in a place where I can be there for you. And you deserve so much more, baby. God, Seth. You deserve so much more. You gotta walk away.”
Seth shook his head—as much as he could—and said it again. “I. Will. Never. Walk. Away.”
And before Kelly could say the final thing, the irrevocable thing, he managed to go on. “But I get you need space. ’Cause, baby, you’re not sounding… not sounding sane. And I can’t hold you. I can’t hold you, and your family is all up in the air, and you’re afraid. You’re so afraid. I can see it from here.” He took two more breaths, and Kelly let him. “You tell me when you want me. You tell me when you need me back. I’ll keep in contact with the girls. I’ll keep contact with Chloe.” God. Chloe. He wanted to hold her so bad. “And if you need me to walk away, you say it. You say it, and I’ll be out of your family’s life for good. But if you can’t say it—you can’t tell me you’re walking away—then I’m gonna fucking be there.”
“Fine!” Kelly was shouting. “Fine! I’ll say it!”
“You look me in the eyes!” Because Seth couldn’t even tilt his head. God. Helpless. He was so fucking helpless. “Look me in the eyes and tell me you can’t love me anymore. Tell me, after all of this, you never loved me enough to share a life. Look me in the eyes and tell me that, and I’ll let you go.”
Kelly’s face appeared above his line of vision, distorted and swollen through tears. “Seth—”
“Do you love me?” he asked, and instead of strong and mad, his voice sounded broken to his own ears. “Did you ever?”
And for a horrible moment, Kelly’s face froze, like he was trying to do something with it that hurt. “Yes,” he rasped finally. “Goddammit. You know I love you. That’s not—”
“Then you take your time. You take whatever time you need. I didn’t know what sex was before you. I’m not gonna need someone else now. You might. I don’t know. Maybe it’s that. I don’t care. You take your time, and you call me when you’re ready.” Seth’s chest hurt, and he couldn’t stop the tears. Dammit. They had seen daylight. It had been shining on the calendar, the day Lily and Lulu graduated, and the day they could walk away, free. And now the world was sunk in darkness, and Seth couldn’t breathe.
“You go to New York,” Kelly told him, steel in his voice.
“No—”
“No, that’s my condition. That’s… I’ll….” His indrawn breath was ugly, jagged, not even human. “I’ll say it. I’ll walk away if you don’t. Go to New York, Seth. Go and fly.”
A sob racked him, and it hurt. “No—”
“I swear to God, I’ll do it!”
“Fine,” he managed to say. “Fine. Whatever. You think that’s gonna keep me away from you? You think that’s gonna make me want you any less? You listen to me, Kelly Cruz. You keep talking about me walking around in the stars—you are my star. You are my true star. And I will never walk away from you.”
Kelly leaned over the railing then and buried his face against Seth’s throat. “I’m sorry,” he whispered. “I was supposed to… it was supposed to be over. I’m sorry I’m not strong enough to do that now.”
His mouth fell on Seth’s, briny, desperate, so damned sad, and Seth responded. Kelly was the one who ripped himself away, hardly able to breathe.
“I love you, mijo. Goodbye.”
And then he was gone, and Seth was sobbing so hard, the nurse had to come in and sedate him. They were afraid he’d crack a rib.
HIS FATHER came in the next day to help pick up the pieces, and Seth could tell by the way he spoke, by his care when talking about Linda, when talking about Kelly, when talking about the whole family, that he… he was on Kelly’s side.
“This isn’t fair,” he rasped. “Dad, I want to be there—”
“How much help are you going to be if you end up in jail because Matty can’t keep his mouth shut,” his dad said bluntly, raking his hand through his graying blond hair. “C’mon, Seth. You and Kelly, you’ve endured separations before—”
“But he wants me to walk way, Dad.” Seth wasn’t sure if he could convey how bad this was. “He… he wants me to go to New York.”
Craig smiled tiredly. “Then go to New York. Come back for Christmas. Come back earlier. Come back for his birthday. Just… just give him some space now.”
Seth nodded, but his dad wasn’t fooled. He bent over the bed and used a tissue to wipe his face. “You’re hurt,” he said softly. “And your heart is hurt. And so is Kelly’s. This…. Have some faith. I’ve watched you both grow up, you know? You’re both such good men, Seth. I can’t… I can’t emphasize that enough. You both have such good hearts. Go to New York. Give your lover some space. He’ll come back.”
Seth rolled his eyes, because they both knew there were two options to that statement.
“Or he won’t. But if he doesn’t, you’ll be somewhere you can start fresh. Okay?”
Seth grunted. Fine. Whatever. He didn’t care.
“Good. I’ll call Amara and what’s her name? Your agent? The really pushy one?”
“Susan,” Seth said reluctantly. “Susan Sargent.” She represented Amara too. He wasn’t sure how that had happened, but she seemed to be making him money, so he guessed he was okay with that.
“Good. I’ll have her set you up.”
“Dad, she’s not supposed to—”
“Sure, she is. That’s what you pay her for. Besides, she’s been so pushy about the New York thing, I bet she’d let you live in her basement for free if you agreed to go for a year—”
“A year!”
And Craig’s lighthearted air of adventure bled away, leaving in its place what this really was. “Matty’s threatened to out you before, Seth. And he’s not going to be rational now. He’s going to be feeling like shit and in a lot of pain. I love Kelly—don’t get me wrong. But I’ll be damned if I see you go to jail because Matty can hold a grudge.”
Matty just had to go to the police and talk about Kelly’s boyfriend, who looked like hell the morning after Castor Durant was killed. Seth would be in jail, Chloe would be in foster care, and everything Seth knew would be over.
Oh God. Maybe—just maybe—Seth should have talked about this earlier.
Maybe even eight years earlier, before the weight of the things he’d never said threatened to weigh him and Kelly down to the bottom of their own personal rivers.
“Dad, about Castor Durant, I don’t think—”
Craig shook his head, his face growing gaunt. “Don’t,” he begged. “This has been a rough week for all of us, Seth.”
“I could go to jail,” he offered softly. “I could call the police and tell them everything. I could not have this hanging over my head anymore. Whatever happens, Matty, Isela’s dad, Castor’s father—they wouldn’t have this to hurt our family anymore.”
Craig shook his head and wiped his face with the back of his hand. “No.” That was all. “Just… please. No.”
And Seth couldn’t, not against his father. Not against Kelly. Not now when everything hurt, from his broken leg to his pulverized heart.
“Someday I’m going to have to—”
“Please.”
Seth sighed, and felt his eyes closing, and wished that maybe they’d stay shut forever. There just didn’t seem to be any point to waking up right now.
AMARA AND Susan checked him out of the hospital—his dad was there to say goodbye, and so was Kelly’s mother.
But not Kelly.
Seth wondered bitterly if Kelly thought that would make it hurt any less.
Susan had already sublet his apartment—to Vince, because Amara had been offered New York too, but Vince was still in San Francisco.
“I’ll come with you,” Amara said brightly, shouldering Seth’s carry-on and his violin as his father wheeled him out. “We figured we’d do the bicoastal thing for a year, because their trumpet player is retiring, and Vince is on the shortlist for auditions.”
“But what if—” Seth had never been the one to ask that before, but Amara just shrugged.
“Then I come back here and teach and find gigs, and Vince keeps his job. Or the other way around.” She touched his shoulder then, so softly he realized, all in a heartbeat, this was for him. Entirely for him. They were sacrificing a year of their lives so Seth wouldn’t have to move to New York alone. “We’ll find a way, sweetheart. We’ll all find a way.”
“We’ll get him a gig in New York,” Susan said, exhaling vape fumes even though she hadn’t puffed in the hospital even once. “I’m no kind of agent if I can’t get that kid a job.” She dropped her head and spoke in a fake whisper loud enough to make everybody in their party laugh. “Just looking at him blowing on a trumpet makes my panties wet. If I didn’t like Amara so much, I would have eaten that boy up in a gulp. Me-owr.” She made the time-honored cougar gesture, and Seth managed a small smile. She wouldn’t—he knew that. She didn’t sleep with clients. In fact, she was known for her ethics on an international scale. Gianni had told him that when he’d given Seth her number out of sheer frustration.
Rail thin, in her forties, Susan was brazenly redheaded, brazenly single, and had the voice of a three-pack-a-day smoker—but now she apparently vaped stuff like bubblegum and pink strawberry lemonade surprise. Her entire life was seeing her “kids,” as she called them, into comfortable livings, and given that symphony musician wasn’t exactly like computer tech in the growing industry department, Seth was pretty sure she earned every penny of her commission.
Together, Susan and Amara got Seth into a waiting town car, but they didn’t leave before Seth hugged his dad and Linda with all his might.
“You’re getting right on the plane?” Linda asked, to make sure.
“Yeah. Won’t have me in your hair anymore.” He was trying to joke, but his heart hurt.
“You listen to me,” she told him, bending down to make sure he saw her eyes. “My son loves you, and so does my family. You are not a bother. You are not in our hair.”
Seth gave her a small smile. Except he was.
She sighed and kissed his temple, and his father was next.
And then Susan had circled around and made sure his leg was inside and stretched out in front of him before she shut the door.
They drove straight to the airport, and Susan dosed him with painkillers before getting an airport people-mover to haul him to the plane. By the time they took off for New York, he’d passed out, his head leaning on the glass, leg stretched out in front of the seat next to him, because he got two first-class seats.
Someday, he thought as he went under, he really would sleep forever. Waking up was just too damned much trouble. Without Kelly, everything was.
When Your Head is in the Stars, You’re Everywhere
“KELLY, HE’S crying.”
Kelly looked up from his tablet and frowned. He’d taken a job that let him work from home four days a week, and that suited him. He dropped X-man at daycare while Chloe was in school and then picked them both up and worked a little in the afternoon if he could. The situation was… well, perfect, actually, considering how bad it could be.
The restaurant his mom had once done the books for had gone belly up, but that turned out okay. She’d gotten a job as a receptionist at Craig’s warehouse—they got to go to work together, which was great, because she was practically living downstairs anyway, so Matty could use her room. It was a situation that benefited everybody… as long as Kelly didn’t have to talk to his brother ever again for the rest of their lives.
But Chloe was so good. She’d play quietly or watch television when he was busy—but he tried not to be busy too much. She really loved to sit on his lap and show him small things, like her ever-increasing stuffed animal collection—or watch Seth’s videos on the tablet, which was a special form of agony.
Seth’s YouTube channel had seen a big influx of new music over the summer and fall. Gorgeous new songs—complicated, all of the instruments he was proficient in, plus the violin, which was his baby and soared over them all.
Sad.
Heartrendingly sad.
The first time Kelly heard Seth’s new work, he’d wondered if he was still breathing. His chest hurt so bad he wasn’t sure he could.
And Chloe listened to all of them and told Seth about them in the weekly family Skype call. The one that happened upstairs, that Kelly always worked super hard to miss, because if he had to hear Seth’s voice across the fucking phone, he’d drop everything and drive to New York just to hold him again.
“Who’s crying, mija?” He heard his father in his voice and silently apologized. He didn’t feel much like he lived up to Xavier Cruz’s memory these days.
“The man in Nana Linda’s room.”
Chloe didn’t like Matty. It wasn’t Matty’s imagination—she regarded him distrustfully, even after the past five months. He’d smile when she wandered in there, and although Kelly knew he was in pain, knew walking made his edema ache, knew his joints hurt and he could barely eat, he’d stand up from the recliner they’d moved there and hold out his arms.
“Wanna see Daddy, Chloe?”
“Wanna see Seth.”
And then she’d walk away.
“What happened?” Kelly asked now, steeling his heart. Even though Matty had earned this life through hard living and being a dick, Kelly was starting to feel sorry for his brother. Chloe meant everything to Kelly—to Seth too, for that matter. If she ever turned her back on him, he wasn’t sure if there’d be enough pieces left for even Seth to pick up.
“I was sitting in his lap, showing him Seth music.” She smiled. “There’s new Seth music, Kelly. Wanna hear?”
Oh, Kelly had heard. It was stunning. The dying song of a swan prince, the lament of a saint for his demon lover—Kelly had listened to it the night Seth released it, and had cried for an hour, unable to even muffle the sobs.
“Heard it, angel. That’s why Matty’s crying?”
“Yeah. I got him tissues.”
Kelly ruffled her hair, which they kept short because his mother was, in her words, done with ponytails for good.
“I’ll go talk with him and—”
And at that moment, X-man woke up in his crib in Kelly’s room. Chloe was sleeping in Agnes’s room now, but Kelly? If Kelly wanted a private life, he was going to have to rent another hotel room.
It wasn’t worth it without Seth’s voice in the dark.
By the time Kelly got in to see if Matty would live—for the day, at least—he’d settled X-man with a bottle and was burping him over his shoulder.
Matty was sitting up, his head leaning back against the headboard, tears tracking over his sallow face.
Damn him. While Kelly felt like an old man with no life and no hope, his brother looked achingly young.
X let out an enormous belch, spitting all over the diaper on Kelly’s shoulder and startling Matty enough to wake him up.
“Wow,” he murmured. “Just… damn, baby. That was impressive.”
Matty wasn’t getting high these days, or when he did, it was on prescription pain-relief pot that he vaped when the kids couldn’t see him. He’d told Kelly bitterly that there wasn’t a lot of THC in the prescription stuff. No pain? Sure. Good dreams? Fuck it. You were stuck in your own head until you died.
But no pain and some lucid thinking meant—oh God—sometimes he sounded just like Kelly’s brother.
“He ate pretty good,” Kelly admitted, shifting him so he was in the crook of Kelly’s arm. He was five months old and pretty big. Not quite sitting up, and he had a sort of soggy body tone that spoke of more delays, like Chloe. But boy, did he like being held. Didn’t matter who, either—Agnes, the twins, Chloe, Seth’s father.
Matty.
“Can I hold him?” Matty asked softly. “He’s pretty cute. I missed Chloe at this age.”
Five months ago, when this arrangement had first started, Kelly might have retorted that he’d had Chloe at this age, so he must have been pretty high to forget his own daughter.
