Wisdom: Updated Edition, page 19
He slid inside of me, and I buried my fingers in his back, pressing him close to me. His love surged through me, but it was tinged with something else. Even when he kissed me, the closeness I desired escaped us.
Afterwards, Jack held me in his arms, but he pretended to be asleep, even though I knew he wasn’t.
I couldn’t sleep, and I felt too restless to even pretend. In the bedroom next door to mine, both Milo and Bobby were sound asleep, and I was so jealous. Milo’d been going to bed earlier because he had to get up for school, and Bobby had apparently beaten his insomnia for once.
Since I had nothing to do, I went downstairs to eat. Drinking blood didn’t knock me out the way it once had. In fact, other than when I drank fresh blood, like when I bit Jack, the blood had been energizing me lately. I’m not sure if that’s exactly what I wanted right now, but my veins felt a little dry and my stomach grumbled.
It wasn’t until I opened the fridge that I realized it had been over a week and a half since I ate last. And I was barely even hungry.
I didn’t have much time to process this realization when my phone rang in my pocket. Since it could be important, I shut the fridge door without getting a bag of blood and answered it.
“Alice?” Mae said. Or at least I think that’s what she said. Her end of the phone crackled. “Al —” The phone cut out for a second. “— glad I finally —” A loud blast of static interrupted her.
“Mae? What’s going on? Where are you? I can barely understand you.”
“— damn tunnel! I’ve been trying but the call —” She cut out again.
“Mae! I can’t hear you! What do you need?” I asked.
“Towels! We need —” Static. “— bring them here?”
“Sure. I’ll bring you towels,” I said. Mae started to say something else, but the call dropped, which was just as well. The static blasts were hurting my ears.
I went to the bathroom and gathered up a bunch of towels. I’m not sure how many they needed, but little kids were messy and the tunnel was filthy, so I went with a lot. Peter had already stocked the place with blankets and pillows to make the place livable, but apparently, towels had been overlooked.
Since no one was around to stop me, I took the Lamborghini, but I parked it out of the way when I got to the bridge. A bright red sports car parked right by the underpass would stick out. Carrying a stack of towels down a slippery ravine proved more difficult than I had thought it would be, but I managed.
Peter had torn out more of the concrete, so the entrance to the tunnel was much larger than it had been before. I could stand up and walk in, and there was still plenty of room around me.
Before I even got to the cavern where they were staying, I could hear Daisy’s voice echoing off the walls. She had a lovely singing voice, especially for a small child, but she was butchering the lyrics to “Hey Jude.”
I found her in the tunnel just outside of the entrance to the cavern. Her blond curls were tied back in a ribbon, and she crouched down on the concrete. A tub of fat sticks of colored chalk was spilled out next to her, and she scribbled furiously at a picture on the ground.
“Hey, Daisy,” I said as I reached her.
“Hi, Alice.” She glanced up at me, but her concentration was clearly on the picture. She appeared to be coloring a flying, pink hippo, but I could be wrong.
“How are you doing?” I asked.
“Good. I got new chalk today cause I was bored. Mae says we can’t have music or Sesame Street down here. I hope we move soon.”
“Yeah, that’ll probably be good,” I agreed. “Is anyone else around here?”
“Peter’s inside.” Daisy pointed to the entrance. “Mae is gone, and I don’t know where that other guy went.”
“What other guy?” I asked.
She shrugged. “The other guy that lives here.”
“Oh, Leif?” I had actually forgotten that he’d be staying here too, and my stomach twisted. I hadn’t talked to him since I found that picture of Milo and me. Then I remembered what Bobby had said about Leif being a killer, and that didn’t make me feel any better.
“That’s a silly name,” Daisy commented.
“It sure is. Well, I’ll let you get back to your coloring,” I said, and she just nodded.
The cavern looked much better than it had before, but you could only dress up a sewer so much. Mae had draped brightly colored curtains all over to add separations and to cover up the walls. In one corner, Daisy had a massive pile of toys and coloring books. Four mattresses had been made up and sat in different areas, and Peter laid on the one closest to the cliff, reading a book.
“Hey, Peter.” I walked over to him and dropped the towels by the bed. “I brought you these.”
“Oh. Thanks.” He set aside his book and sat up. “Mae didn’t think you heard her. She ran to Target to pick up more supplies.”
“Why didn’t she send you?” I asked.
“Apparently, I forgot too much stuff the last time I went.”
“I see.” I glanced around the cavern. “It’s a lot more comfortable and clean down here.”
“It was worse, I suppose,” Peter said, but he sounded disappointed in himself that he hadn’t done better. “I was busy all day looking for somewhere else to move.”
I sat down beside him. “Did you find anywhere?”
“Not yet. But we will soon.”
“That’s…” I leaned forward, resting my arms on my knees. “Why are you moving with them?” He gave me a look. “No, I mean, you can go anywhere. Why are you staying with them? As opposed to anywhere else on earth.”
“Contrary to popular belief, I don’t want to wander the earth alone,” Peter said. “Mae and I were never as close as even she and Jack were, but I’ve always cared about her. I want both her and Daisy to be okay, and quite frankly, she needs me. She can’t do this alone.
“I am doing this for Ezra too,” Peter went on. “Ezra’s done everything for me, for Mae. He’s been the rock that held us together through a lot of really terrible things.” His voice went low as he thought of all they’d been through. “But he can’t protect Mae from this, and I know it kills him. So I’ll go with her, I’ll take care of her, because he can’t.”
“How is Daisy doing? Is she better here?” I asked.
“Not really.” He glanced towards the tunnel, where Daisy had begun to sing the theme song to Sesame Street. “She wakes up screaming all the time because she’s in so much pain.”
“Pain?” I asked. “Her transformation is long over.”
“It’s not from that,” he said grimly. “She’s so hungry, all the time, and it leaves her in almost constant agony. A child’s body really isn’t meant to handle turning into a vampire.”
I swallowed hard, listening to her sing. “What does Mae think about all of this?”
Peter sighed. “I think she’s just starting to realize exactly what has been done to Daisy. Up until now, she’s been able to justify it that turning was the only way to save her, that the life Daisy had been given as a vampire would be better than death. But with Daisy being in so much pain, I don’t think Mae can say that anymore. Not even to herself.”
“I’m sorry,” I said, unsure of what else to say.
“She keeps trying to chase down rats and kill them, so I have to stop her from doing that.” He raised his eyebrows. “She eats cockroaches.”
“What?”
“She catches them and eats them whole, and then she gets really sick and throws them up because she can’t digest a bug. That’s why we need the towels.” He ran a hand through his hair and exhaled. “Along with the bugs, she throws up blood, so we have to feed her two or three times a day to keep her to keep her hunger down and her pain at a tolerable level. We’re going through so much blood.”
“I’m sorry,” I repeated.
“But on a positive note, she’s learned to say the alphabet in French,” Peter said.
“What? Why?”
“Mae thinks it’s good for her brain, and Leif knows French.” He shrugged. “It keeps her occupied, and Daisy’s actually very smart and polite. Honestly, she is so sweet when she’s not in pain. There are so many times where she is just being an adorable little kid, drawing or telling me a story or playing with a teddy bear, and I can almost forget the reality... and then suddenly I’m prying a decapitated rat out of her hands.”
“That sounds really difficult.”
“It certainly is.” Peter turned to me, his green eyes staring through me the way they always seemed to. “How are things in your life?”
“Great,” I lied. I could never tell him about what’s going on with me and Jack, especially since the two of them were actually repairing their relationship. “I’ve been training a lot, so I’m getting pretty strong.”
“Good,” he said with a smile. Peter smiled so rarely, so when he did, it felt sorta magical, like a shooting star. “Now that’s one less thing I have to worry about.”
“What?”
“You.” He looked away and picked up a stone on the concrete by his foot. “I still will, I’m sure, but at least in some part of my mind, I’ll know you’re safe.” He tossed the stone off over the cliff.
We listened for it to hit the bottom, but we never heard a sound.
“How far do you think it goes?” I leaned forward, straining to see the edge.
“I have no idea. But if Mae asks, it’s not that far,” he said. “She was worried about Daisy falling to her death, but I think Daisy’s smart enough not to jump off a cliff.” He cocked his head. “Then again, she does eat bugs.”
Peter stared off at the cliff. “You know what the worst part of it is? She grows on you. I know she’s an abomination, and she will end up hurting people and millions of defenseless cockroaches. But… she spent an hour learning to braid Mae’s hair last night, and when she concentrates, her face gets all scrunched up, and she sticks her tongue out the side of her mouth.” He smiled again and shook his head.
“I never had kids,” he said, somewhat abruptly. “Ezra did, and Mae did, obviously. I can’t remember if I ever even wanted any.” He furrowed his brow. “When I became this, I never thought about it. I shut it out.” He sighed. “The same way I tried to shut you out. I’m not very good at keeping things out, I guess.”
“I’m glad you don’t,” I told him quietly, and he looked back at me, his eyes meeting mine in a way that used to take my breath away. It still did a little, but I tried not to show it.
“I’m going with for her too.” He kept his eyes on me, but I knew he meant Daisy. “And I’m not miserable in this life I’m choosing with them. I want you to know that. This isn’t what I had planned or even what I thought I ever wanted, but… I’m happy helping Mae raise Daisy, in my own way.”
“Good.” I swallowed hard, gulping down the sadness and relief that mixed inside me.
For so long, I’d been afraid that Peter would never be happy again, that he had closed himself off to happiness entirely.
But he hadn’t. He had found peace with the choices I made.
“So, you’re doing training?” Peter asked. “What does that entail?”
“A lot of fighting, mostly.” I rubbed my hands over my arms, trying to stifle the emotions I felt. “Um, like working on my agility and mastering my strength. Stuff like that.” I shrugged. “I wish we worked more on tracking, though.”
“Tracking is easy,” he said.
“Maybe for you.” I’d been tracking the killer for weeks and had barely come up with anything.
“For all vampires,” he corrected me. “Just bite them.”
“What are you talking about?” I asked.
“You can track whoever you bite, especially if you have an emotional connection,” Peter explained, and he gave me a look. “Come on, you have to have realized that by now.”
“No, I —” I furrowed my brow. I’d bitten both Jack and Bobby, so I tried to concentrate on them, to see if I could get any reading on them. I couldn’t be more bonded with anyone than I was with those two, but I didn’t feel anything. “I have no idea what you’re talking about.”
“You can master it better if you try, but you’ll really only feel it if they feel threatened,” he said. “Like if they’re hurt or in danger. But if you’re with Jack and you see him get hurt, you probably wouldn’t notice the tracking, because you’re already witnessing it and feeling it. You understand what I mean?”
“I think so, but…” I trailed off, trying to think if Jack or Bobby had been in danger when I hadn’t been around. Somewhat disturbingly, I realized that they hadn’t, and Bobby had been in a lot of trouble lately. I was really, really bad luck for him.
“That’s how I found you,” Peter said, pulling me from my thoughts.
I looked over at him. “When?”
“That night that those vampires were following you, back when you were still mortal,” Peter said.
I had walked downtown by myself to talk to Jane, and on the way back to my apartment, Lucian and Violet had jumped me. Peter had seemingly come out of nowhere and killed Lucian, and in doing so, he saved my life.
“I had been around town. I came back for you, and I bit you.” He lowered his eyes, and his voice was thick. “I tasted Jack on you, so I… I left, but I stayed around town, deciding what to do.
“That night, when the vampires were after you, I felt it,” he went on. “It’s like a panic. The fear and adrenaline you feel, I feel. I can’t see anything, but it’s like phantom limb syndrome, except instead of a missing limb it’s someone else’s emotions.”
“Can you still feel what I feel?” I asked.
“Not so much,” he said. “Maybe if the fear was really strong, but it has been a long time since I’ve bitten you, and your blood has changed. It usually only lasts a few months, even with someone you are bonded with.”
“So you just —”
I stopped cold and realized I knew exactly what Peter was talking about. I’d been thinking that I hadn’t felt anything with Jack or Bobby, but they weren’t the only two people I’d bitten.
I had bitten Jane too.
“Oh my god.” My heart stopped beating for a minute, and I could barely breathe.
“Alice?” Peter put his hand on my back. “Alice? Are you all right?”
“I felt Jane die.”
He put his other hand on my knee and moved closer to me. “What are you talking about?”
“Jane, I bit her when I saw her, and I knew I shouldn’t have, but then she went to rehab, and I thought everything was okay, I thought everything was better.” My words came out rushed, and tears tumbled down my cheeks.
“You bit Jane?” he asked softly.
“Yeah, I bit her and then in Australia —” My breath caught in my throat.
I remembered the terror I had felt when I woke up. The panic and fear surging through my veins. It’d scrambled my thoughts, and my heart wanted to hammer out of my chest. I had never felt that kind of intense fear before, and that’s how Jane felt. That was Jane dying.
“Remember?” I asked Peter. “You came into the room, and I was freaked out, and I didn’t know why, and I couldn’t shake it. And I was mad that I felt that way! I was mad, and that was Jane!
“Jack called me later that night, and he told me she was dead, and I —” I cried harder, and I wiped at the tears with the palm of my hand. “I felt her die, Peter! She was terrified, and I didn’t do anything!”
“You couldn’t do anything.” He wrapped his arm around me and pulled me close to him. I buried my head in his shoulder and sobbed. “You didn’t know, and you couldn’t do anything.”
Peter stroked my hair and tried to tell me it was all right, but it wasn’t. Even though I’d known she’d been murdered, part of me had been able to hold out that it had been painless. If she’d been bitten before she died, she could’ve been unconscious, and she wouldn’t have known what happened.
But now I knew. She had felt everything.
I sobbed and sobbed, until my throat ached and my eyes were raw, but Peter never let go of me. Even after I finally stopped, I let him hold me in his arms. I should’ve pushed him away for so many reasons, but I didn’t have the strength for it. His arms were strong and safe, and I was afraid if he let go, I’d fall into a million pieces.
“What happened to Jane isn’t your fault.” He spoke into my hair, so his words came out muffled.
“It doesn’t matter.” I shook my head and pulled away from him. “She’s dead, and I have to make it right.”
“How?”
“I’ll find a way.” I swallowed hard and didn’t look at him.
“Don’t do anything dangerous, Alice,” he warned me.
“What me?” I laughed, and the flat sound echoed off the cavern walls. Suddenly, I felt ashamed of the scene I had made, and I wiped at my drying face. “Sorry. I didn’t mean for all that.”
“You’ve got nothing to be sorry for,” Peter assured me.
“Yeah, I really do.” I wiped my hands on my jeans and stood up. “You’ve got your own stuff, and you don’t need to worry about my shit.”
He stood up with me and pushed up the sleeves of his shirt. I started to stumble out another apology, and he held up his hand. “Alice. It’s fine.”
For a moment, I thought about Jack’s apologies from earlier tonight. He felt guilty for forcing me into this life because he knew that vampirism wasn’t everything I’d hoped it would be.
Looking into Peter’s eyes, I wondered if I’d feel the same way if I chose him instead, if our bond would’ve given my life the meaning I was so desperate for.
“Peter!” Daisy shouted, breaking my thoughts.
She dashed into the room, her skirt flying around her, and ran towards Peter. At first, I thought something had happened, but when she jumped at Peter, she screamed with glee and giggled as he caught her in her arms.
“What are you doing, kiddo?” Peter asked, holding her to his side.
