Then, she got excited because she wants to learn how to make jewelry. And then she had a good idea that matched what I was thinking. She suggested we teach each other. She loves crafting too.

  And then I forgot to be anxious because I was too excited. I blurted out that she should come to my crafting bunkie on the weekend, and we can craft together.

  She said she would love to.

  Mom and Jane would be so happy that sometimes when I ramble, I invite kids over to my house on weekends.

  By the way, Mr. Meeks, please stop asking me if I have something for show-and-tell, because I would rather eat Meemaw’s liver and onions without backup mints than stand in front of the class talking about something I own or did.

  A Not-Good Feeling

  All week we have been talking about Orange Shirt Day. All over the news, there are stories about a lot of kids who never got home because they died in residential schools.

  What I feel inside is not a good feeling.

  Today is Orange Shirt Day, and I wanted to stay in bed again and not come to school. I don’t know how to get through the day hearing about all the bad stuff that happened to those kids.

  Sometimes, I wish I could close my ears and not hear bad things anymore. But I can’t, and I think maybe people need to know those things. Because of that, even though I wanted to stay in bed, I came to school. This is not something I think I should hide from.

  My grandma is white and Scottish, but her cousins aren’t. They are my family too. Even if they were not my family, I would still feel like this. Everything inside me aches, and I want to stand on a cliff and scream into the sea and never stop screaming.

  There was a big discussion and a movie in class about the residential schools. Even though I stayed quiet, I listened. Being in the room for that discussion was not as bad as I thought, because it turns out all of the kids in the class are feeling the same way I am.

  Maybe everyone who hears the stories about residential schools is supposed to feel this way. Maybe that’s the reason for Orange Shirt Day. Maybe if we always remember those kids, it will really make us think. Maybe then, it will never happen again.

  Dianna’s Visit

  Saturday this happened. Dianna came over to visit early in the morning, so she could help me with chores. First thing, I showed her around the farm, and we fed and petted the animals. Is “petted” even a word, or should it be “pet” the animals? Petted sounds weird.

  We collected eggs and were chased by Meanie. Dianna says I handle Meanie very bravely, and that she is terrified of him. With good reason too. He lives up to his name. Mom says if she was a real farmer, Meanie would be in a stew, but that she cannot handle doing that. I could not hurt him either, even if he pecks and chases us. He is only trying to do his job.

  After we finished the chores, we went inside and had French toast with a blueberry sauce and goat’s milk for breakfast. Dianna could not believe that I could just mix up a blueberry sauce for the French toast without Mom helping.

  Next, we went to the crafting bunkie and made some jewelry, and Dianna showed me how to hand sew scrunchies. We are wearing them today. I also made some for my shop. I told Dianna if she wanted to sell some stuff she made on my shop page, she could.

  Then, we went for a walk along the beach to find more sea glass, shells, and driftwood that we can use for more crafts.

  After our walk, Dianna’s mom came to pick her up.

  It was a good day, and we had lots of fun.

  I think maybe Dianna actually likes me. Today at school, she still wanted to play with me, and I did not even once think about hiding under the slide.

  Nervous About Gandalf

  Yesterday at recess, I told Dianna how I was going to get to work with Gandalf tonight. She was happy for me and said she could not wait to meet him.

  But I said I was nervous because if he does not like me, I will not get to keep him.

  Dianna is like Jane in one way. She told me once Gandalf gets to know me, he will like me, and that I am very likeable. That made me feel better, but I’m still anxious.

  What if it turns out his personality and mine do not ever stick, like waxed paper and tape? What if we are completely opposite?

  He’s so cute, and I do not want to wait for another dog. He needs to be perfect for me. he has to be. He is going to be my dog.

  He’s small enough that I can walk him and carry him around if I want. And he can sleep on my bed and not take up all of the space. I do not need a dog to get me a water bottle or medicine or open a door or pick up things, like big dogs do.

  I just need someone by my side to help me calm down enough to talk to people.

  Someone I can hug if I feel anxious. Gandalf has to be the one. He has to be.

  But what if he’s not?

  I do not even want to think about it.

  Gandalf

  Oh my gosh. Gandalf is so cute. Ignore this part. I did not start the way I’m supposed to. Start reading below.

  Last night, I got to spend time with Gandalf. Oh my gosh. He is so cute. He is a little fur ball, and guess what?

  We are the perfect match!

  I am so relieved. The dog trainer, Deb, loved how Gandalf came right up to me, even though there were other people and dogs around. She said he already knew I was anxious about the meeting. He snuggled right onto my lap and licked me, so I could pet him. When I was petting him, my anxiety dissolved like dye pellets in water.

  Once I was calm, I got to take him for a walk and play fetch with him. Even though he doesn’t really play fetch. He kind of plays catch because he throws the little ball back to you.

  He is so so, so, so, so, so, so perfect for me. He’s a little ball of brown-and-black fluff with a wiggly butt and a tail that sticks up when he walks. He listens when you call him and comes and sits and lies down and he’ll even shake a paw.

  Deb says we can have him for good the week after Thanksgiving.

  I’m so excited!

  Thanksgiving with Meemaw

  On the weekend, we went to Meemaw’s for Thanks-giving. On the way there, I wished Gandalf could have come with us because Meemaw is, well…Meemaw, and you already know how we feel about her.

  BUT, this time, visiting Meemaw was not that bad. Either she is growing on us, or maybe she has chilled out some. I think it is the chilled-out thing.

  Some good things about Meemaw:

  She was happy to hear that I have a friend.

  She gave me her old sewing machine because I told her Dianna likes sewing and that I want to learn how.

  She let me talk some and did not answer all of her own questions—only about seventy-five per cent of them.

  She let Mom and me help with dinner.

  She bought her pie from a bakery and did not try to cook it herself. That is a good thing because Meemaw burns everything.

  She is going to teach me how to knit. She says knitting helps her anxiety, so maybe it will help mine. I did not know Meemaw had anxiety too.

  Dad video-called and ate dinner with all of us. He misses me and said he will come to visit at Christmastime. That made Meemaw and me happy. Maybe not so much Mom, but she was happy because I was happy.

  Show-and-Tell Surprise

  Yesterday, I did it. I stood up and showed and told—sort of. I did not do show-and-tell in front of the class, but I did it at my desk. And I only did this because it was impossible not to show what, or rather who, I brought to school.

  Gandalf!

  I came into class before everyone else, and he was sitting by my feet when they came in.

  Before anyone could tell them to stop, kids rushed toward us because they wanted to pet Gandalf.

  Those rushing kids made me freeze, and for a second, I could not catch my breath.

  Gandalf stood right up and got between them and me, because that’s what he’s supposed to do. So, I picked him up and cuddled him close. With him in between me and the kids, I felt better instantly.

  Mr. Meeks, thank you for explaining how no one should rush up to a dog wearing a vest like that to pet them. Those dogs are working, and you should never distract them from their job.

  Then, Joe asked what Gandalf’s job was because I wasn’t blind.

  I took a deep breath and cuddled Gandalf close and counted to ninety. It was a long ninety seconds because everyone was waiting, but Gandalf licked my hand, and it made it seem faster. Then, instead of looking at everyone, I only looked at Dianna and told her about my anxiety and how it freezes me sometimes. I said it all loud enough for everyone else to hear.

  Dianna, of course, already knew this from the time I blurted it out after the snob incident, but she listened again anyway.

  But the best thing was, everyone understood what I was saying. I guess I said it in a good way that they could understand. I told them how a lot of people get anxious before tests or trying something new, but I feel anxious over little things too. Jesse and Trinity said they get like that sometimes, too, and asked if they could borrow Gandalf sometimes.

  I had to tell them no because he was paired with me especially, and he knows that.

  Joe thought Gandalf was a cool name and that it is lucky I have him.

  Joe is right. I am lucky to have Gandalf.

  Trinity’s Party

  Yesterday, Trinity apologized for calling me snobby and handed me an envelope with an invitation to her birthday party.

  I thanked her for the invitation but I know even with Gandalf by my side, I can’t handle a party yet. It’s too soon.

  Back in Toronto, the other kids stopped inviting me to their birthdays because I always said no. Eventually, they gave up asking me.

  Yesterday, my heart raced just looking at the invitation because these kids do not know I don’t go to parties.

  I think Gandalf can smell fear because every time I looked at that invitation and thought about hurting Trinity’s feelings, he begged to come onto my lap. When I lifted him up, he snuggled in really close and nudged my hand, but even petting Gandalf didn’t calm me down all the way because my brain was still worrying about talking to Trinity about not going to her party.

  During recess, it was especially hard to remain calm because everyone else was talking about going to the party. I could force a smile and hide behind Gandalf, but inside it felt like my heart would race right out of my chest.

  Not Avoiding Trinity

  Yesterday, it was hard to get out of bed because I knew I had to tell Trinity. No matter how many times I counted, I could not calm down. Gandalf crawled on top of me and lay down on my chest, and that felt like a hug, so it made me feel less anxious.

  After a few minutes of doggy hugs and breathing, I got out of bed.

  Downstairs, I told Mom about not wanting to go to Trinity’s party. She said she would make an excuse for me not to go, like she used to do in Toronto, and that I could bring a gift for Trinity on the Monday after the party.

  That would have been easy for me, but I do not want Mom to have to make excuses for me anymore. I was supposed to be following a plan. Dr. Jones said part of my anxiety plan is that I need to learn that it’s okay to say no sometimes. She also said I need to learn how to say it on my own, because Mom can’t always be saving me.

  Saying no is a hard thing because I do not want to hurt anyone’s feelings.

  On the way to school, I thought about how Trinity said in class that sometimes she gets anxious, too, and thought maybe if I explained things to her, she might understand and not feel hurt.

  When I got to school, I found Trinity and Jesse playing on the climbing wall. I picked up Gandalf and walked toward them.

  It was hard, and my heart raced so fast it made my head hurt, but I told Trinity that I could not go to her party and thanked her for inviting me anyway. I explained that I am anxious when there are too many people around, but that I would bring a present for her to school.

  At first, she didn’t say anything, and I thought she was sad or mad. But guess what? She was not sad or mad.

  Instead, she said okay. She said her mom told her that I might not want to come when Trinity explained that I would have to bring Gandalf to the party to help me with my anxiety. I am glad she was not sad.

  Guess what else? Trinity had another invitation in her bag, just in case I didn’t want to come. This invitation was for the Sunday after the party, and it was just for me and her to go for a scavenger hunt on the beach.

  That I can handle.

  Choices

  Yesterday was an odd day because Dianna asked what I was going to be for Halloween and if I wanted to go trick-or-treating with her.

  Her question made my heart race because I did not know how to answer, so I told her I did not know yet.

  She said she would help me sew a costume now that I have my own sewing machine.

  I told her that would be fun. I did not even know we were supposed to have a costume. I have never gone trick-or-treating before, and we did not wear costumes in my old school.

  Kids wear costumes in this school?

  Prince Edward Island is so strange.

  In Toronto, instead of going trick-or-treating, Mom brought me over to Jane’s house, and we ate candy and watched movies there.

  This year, the dress-up part and pretending to be someone else might be fun. The knocking on strangers’ doors and asking for candy—not so much. I do not know if I can do that.

  My Shop

  Last week, Dianna and I sewed a denim bag each, using recycled jeans and embroidery thread to stitch flower decorations on them.

  We took photos of them and put them up for sale on my shop.

  Guess what?

  They sold yesterday!

  Guess what else?

  The person wants twenty more bags. Me and Dianna are excited to make them all, but it’s going to take us a zillion years to sew and embroider twenty.

  Thinking about that big order makes me want to throw up because someone is counting on me to fill it. I cannot concentrate on anything else because it is a lot of pressure to have someone counting on you to make them something you haven’t already made.

  I had to have a lot of Gandalf cuddles this morning to get out of bed and help me think of an idea to get all of those bags done. The idea I thought of was to ask Trinity and Jesse for help with the embroidering. But asking for help is stressful.

  Dianna thought asking them was a good idea, so we went together. Having her and Gandalf with me made things so much less stressful. And guess what?

  They are going to help, and we will split the profits into four.

  So, now on Saturday I will have three other girls in my craft bunkie.

  I kind of feel like throwing up, but I can do this, even if I have to strap Gandalf to my chest in a baby carrier.

  Crafting with Four

  On the weekend, even though my stomach was flipping, and my heart was racing on Saturday morning, I greeted Dianna, Trinity, and Jesse at the door. I had to focus really hard on what I was saying when I showed them around the farm, but I do not think I focused enough. I maybe had diarrhea of the mouth because I do not remember anything I said, and it all just spilled out.

  By the time we got to the craft bunkie, my anxiety had all spilled out, and I was feeling better. Me and Dianna explained how to embroider the flowers to Trinity and Jesse. They practiced while Dianna and I sewed the first two purses. By the time the first purses were ready, Jesse and Trinity were pros at embroidered flowers and then they embroidered while we sewed the next two. We had a purse assembly line going.

  We sewed while they embroidered. On and on until it was time for them to go home for dinner.

  With our system, we got half of the purses done in one day.

  On Sunday, we did it all again.

  My fingers ache, but the lady who ordered the bags saw the picture we took of them and loved them all and paid us. Mom mailed them off today.

  With the money we made, Trinity’s mom said she’d take us all Christmas shopping together next month in Charlottetown, which is also in PEI.

  I don’t know if I’ll be able to go, but I know these friends will be fine with whatever decision I make.

  Halloween

  Even though it was dark, and I was nervous. Even though the whole time we were out, my heart raced faster than Gandalf can run across the yard for a treat. Even though my hands were sweaty holding the bag and some of the trick-or-treat words did not come out of my mouth after I knocked on the door. Even though all of this stuff was going on in my head telling me to go home and not come out again, I did it.

  I only ran away from a door one time when the man said, “Trick or no treat.” Dianna told me that does not usually happen, and that he had bad candy anyway.

  I was brave and went trick-or-treating with Dianna and Jesse and all of our moms.

  And you’ll never guess what I went dressed as.

  Bet you’re thinking a lion.

  Nope.

  A chef carrying a pot with Gandalf dressed in a lobster suit surrounded by PEI potatoes.

  I may not have dressed like a lion, but I sure felt like one.

  About the Author

  Alma Fullerton is an internationally award-winning author, illustrator, and editor. Coming from a military family, she’s lived all over Canada as well as Germany. Growing up, she struggled with reading and writing due to her dyslexia. Now she goes into schools to teach children they can overcome anything to achieve what they want in life. She lives in North Lake, Prince Edward Island with her husband and her own emotional support dog named Gibson.

 

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