Unidentified Funny Objects 6, page 4
KIRIREG: What about the physical harm to me??? That's my flesh he's cutting into! And the more he cuts, the more I'll grow. Trimming just triggers the growth reflex. I can't help it!
UCHELL: Kirireg, I've had enough. You're putting the mission at risk.
KIRIREG: How is this my fault?
UCHELL: I really don't care whose fault it is. Here's what you're going to do. Send him a present. A peace offering. Something nice that he'll like. Maybe a card as well. Send a groveling message to go with it. Apologize to him. Explain that he has to stop cutting before you can withdraw the stems. Negotiate a solution. Got it?
KIRIREG: Got it. Humiliate myself. Right.
UCHELL: Kirireg, I swear that if the next thing I hear from you two isn't a report about how you've sorted it out, I'll put you off the ship in a lifepod together and let you make it back to civilization by yourselves.
KIRIREG: You wouldn't!
UCHELL: Try me.
KIRIREG: Fine. Whatever.
RESEARCH VESSEL WISPFOLLOWER CHATLOG PARTICIPANTS:
Life Support System CHEN SHI
Mission Captain UCHELL
CHEN: Well, Captain, things have taken a turn for the better! I must congratulate you on your diplomacy. Kirireg has presented me with a gift to apologize for their behavior, and I am minded to come to a compromise with them.
UCHELL: Seriously?
CHEN: Yes, absolutely.
UCHELL: Huh. Okay, that's good to hear. To be honest, I was starting to think the two of you were never going to see eye to eye (so to speak). What did they give you?
CHEN: Flowers! The most remarkable and delicate kind of orchids. Well, I suppose they are not actually orchids, but they are quite similar in many ways! And the stamens are nicely concealed in a pouch so that the pollen does not trouble my allergies. So thoughtful!
UCHELL: Chen . . . did Kirireg grow these flowers themself, or did they come from hydroponics?
CHEN: Kirireg grew them! Of course, I am aware that florunguses cannot consciously control the growth of flowers, so I can only guess that they are an unconscious signal of friendship.
UCHELL: That sounds unlikely. You're absolutely sure they're meant as a gift?
CHEN: Certainly! They left a very polite message via the chat system telling me I would soon find a gift—the message was a little grudging, perhaps, but they seemed honest and I think we can come to an arrangement. Meanwhile, I have placed the flowers in water and they cheer the cabin up nicely!
UCHELL: Please tell me you did not cut them off.
CHEN: Yes, of course I did—why, what else would you do with flowers?
Excuse me a moment. I think the internal postal system has something for me.
UCHELL: Are you still there? Please reply.
CHEN: Captain, something strange has occurred. I have just received a package in the internal post which contains a small glucose bar and a card that reads 'sorry if I did something wrong.' It is signed by Kirireg. I am not sure what this means.
UCHELL: Chen, the flowers were not a gift.
CHEN: I do not understand.
UCHELL: Kirireg hasn't bloomed in all the time I've known them. If they have, then it's probably something to do with the foliage and the stress. Do you know what flowers are, to a member of Kirireg's species?
CHEN: The same as on my world, surely? A way of attracting pollinators?
UCHELL: That's part of it. They have both male and female organs. They make seeds. The seeds grow into baby florunguses. Flowers are for reproduction.
Chen, you just cut off Kirireg's genitals.
CHEN: oh my god
UCHELL: Kirireg would have self-pollinated and saved the seeds for later planting, but that won't happen now. They'll grow new flowers in time but that could be years away. You're going to have to make an apology.
CHEN: I think I might throw up
UCHELL: It was clearly a misunderstanding, but a very serious one nonetheless.
CHEN: This is not a misunderstanding. This is a deliberate insult.
UCHELL: ??? Please explain.
CHEN: Kirireg has tricked me into decorating my cabin with genitalia!
UCHELL: What?
CHEN: It is another practical joke. On me, as always! These so-called flowers are nothing more than private parts sent to humiliate me!
UCHELL: Oh, for space's sake . . .
CHEN: I am putting these disgusting efflorescences into the trash at once!
UCHELL: Chen, don't do that—they're delicate!
CHEN: THE FLOWERS BURST
THERE IS POLLEN EVERYWHERE
MY ALLERGIES
I CAN'T STOP SNEEZING
RESEARCH VESSEL WISPFOLLOWER CHATLOG PARTICIPANTS:
Gyroscopic Engineer BELIK-EMMIK-KIRIREG
Mission Captain UCHELL
KIRIREG: I just woke up with a pain in my head. In Chen's head, whatever! I think he hit it on something. And there's slime dripping out of his nose! What the hell?
He had an open chat with you. It just closed itself. Were you talking? What's going on?
UCHELL: Now don't get too excited
KIRIREG: Ugh his lungs just spasmed and sprayed more of that slime everywhere! It's disgusting! Why the hell has he done that to himself?
UCHELL: I need to tell you something and you aren't going to like it. Please be calm.
KIRIREG: Wait—what's this in the trash?
UCHELL: Kirireg, I need you to listen to me.
KIRIREG: Flowers? They look like . . .
THEY'RE MY FLOWERS
HE CUT THEM OFF
THAT BASTARD CUT OFF MY FLOWERS
I DIDN'T EVEN KNOW I'D GROWN THEM
UCHELL: Stay calm, Kirireg. This is not deliberate.
KIRIREG: Are you telling me that SHEAR-HAPPY BASTARD didn't cut my flowers off on purpose? I'LL CUT HIS FLOWERS OFF AND SEE HOW HE LIKES IT
UCHELL: It wasn't on purpose! That's what I'm telling you!
KIRIREG: WHERE DID HE LEAVE THE PRUNING SHEARS DAMMIT
UCHELL: Kirireg, please don't do anything rash! I've alerted Dr. Lallimore and she's on her way, we'll see if there's anything she can do.
KIRIREG: The flowers are DEAD dammit and I can't find the shears so MAYBE I'LL JUST PUNCH HIM IN HIS FLOWERS INSTEAD
UCHELL: Kirireg, please just wait!
KIRIREG: HOW DO YOU LIKE THAT? YEAH? WELL TAKE ANOTHER ONE IN THE STAMEN THEN
UCHELL: Kirireg, just stop!
KIRIREG: OW OW YEAH YOU BET THAT HURTS
UCHELL: This is just stupid!
KIRIREG: YOU'RE REALLY GOING TO FEEL THIS IN YOUR OVULES WHEN YOU WAKE UP OW OW OW
UCHELL: You're only hurting yourself!
KIRIREG: ow ow ow ow YOU'RE DAMN RIGHT I AM what what what is happening
UCHELL: Kirireg? What was that?
KIRIREG: it hurts it hurts WHY WON'T THESE FINGERS DO WHAT THEY'RE SUPPOSED TO I don't understand my hands keep moving by themselves STOP IT JUST STOP IT what is happening YOU'RE NOT SUPPOSED TO BE AWAKE JUST STOP IT
UCHELL: Okay, Dr. Lallimore is there, she's going to give you a hypo, just hold still
KIRIREG: well I am awake and I've had enough I want you out SHUT UP SHUT UP GO BACK TO SLEEP I won't I want you out JUST GO BACK TO SLEEP I won't ow something stung me what is happening WHAT IS HAPPENING doctor is that youuuuuuuuu
RESEARCH VESSEL WISPFOLLOWER CHATLOG PARTICIPANTS:
Mission Captain UCHELL
Medical Officer DR. JUHN LALLIMORE
Life Support System CHEN SHI
Gyroscopic Engineer BELIK-EMMIK-KIRIREG
UCHELL: Is there any option other than separation?
LALLIMORE: We're at the last stage before that becomes necessary. It's up to them, really. They need to come to an agreement.
UCHELL: Any sign of that?
LALLIMORE: Well, they can't talk—they fight over control of the larynx when they try. But they both have pretty good control over one side of the body. So, I've set them up with a keyboard each.
UCHELL: Okay. How is it going?
LALLIMORE: Not well. I'll let you observe their chat session so you can see for yourself.
CHEN: GET OUT OF MY BODY
KIRIREG: GO BACK TO SLEEP! We can't survive with both nervous systems going at once!
CHEN: I DON'T CARE IF YOU DIE
KIRIREG: You IDIOT it won't just be ME that dies!
CHEN: You will if I kill you first!
KIRIREG: Oh, what are you going to do, beat me to death? I'M INSIDE YOU YOU CAN'T GET AT ME
CHEN: OH CAN'T I?
KIRIREG: Argh! What was that?
UCHELL: What happened?
LALLIMORE: They spasmed. I think . . . oh my. They're growing leaves again. That's not good.
KIRIREG: how are you doing that
CHEN: nervous systems linked I just have to concentrate and I can make you grow. Hah!
KIRIREG: WHY ARE YOU MAKING ME GROW LEAVES YOU HATE IT WHEN I GROW LEAVES
CHEN: Because this is how weedkiller works and YOU'RE A WEED
KIRIREG: What?!?
CHEN: Weedkiller makes the weed grow so fast it starves to death NOW GET OUT OF MY BODY UNLESS YOU WANT TO STARVE
LALLIMORE: Goodness. They're really sprouting now.
KIRIREG: You IDIOT I get my food from YOUR BLOODSTREAM we'll both starve!
CHEN: NOT IF I GROW THE LEAVES FAST ENOUGH
KIRIREG: Stop it or I'll—damn it damn it damn it I don't want to do this but you're making me
LALLIMORE: Oh my. One side—I think it's Kirireg—has ripped off a handful of the new growth and shoved it into their mouth! They're eating the leaves!
CHEN: STOP THAT
KIRIREG: Hah! Bet you didn't know I could reabsorb the leaves, did you? And you can't stop me eating when you're concentrating on growing them, can you?
CHEN: I'LL GROW THEM FASTER SO FAST YOU'LL CHOKE
UCHELL: I think I've seen enough. They're never going to agree on anything. Separate them and I'll turn the ship around. Damn it.
LALLIMORE: I'm not sure I can. Their vital signs are all over the place—it might kill them. Wow, they're really shoveling the leaves in! The stems are getting thicker as well . . .
KIRIREG: Well then I'll just have to MUTATE YOUR BODY so you can EAT MORE
CHEN: what the hell does that mean OWOWOWOW WHAT ARE YOU DOING
LALLIMORE: I can't believe what I'm seeing!
UCHELL: What? What are you seeing???
LALLIMORE: I'm not even sure I can describe it! Chen's body is growing somehow, it's bending round, his mouth is getting bigger, they're eating more . . .
CHEN: you're not supposed to be able to do that they told me you wouldn't be able to do anything like that
KIRIREG: I didn't know either BUT IT'S WORKING AND YOU CAN'T STOP ME
LALLIMORE: It just keeps on! I don't understand this . . .
UCHELL: Don't understand what? What's going on down there?
CHEN: THEN I'LL KEEP GROWING I'LL MAKE THE STEMS COME RIGHT OUT OF MY BOTTOM
KIRIREG: THEN I'LL KEEP EATING THEM I DON'T CARE WHAT IT TASTES LIKE
UCHELL: What the hell is going on?
LALLIMORE: I don't know!
KIRIREG: I'LL KEEP EATING
CHEN: I'LL KEEP GROWING
KIRIREG: EATING EATING EATING
CHEN: GROWING GROWING GROWING
KIRIREG: EATING
CHEN: EATING
KIRIREG: GROWING AND EATING
CHEN: GROWING AND EATING
KIRIREG: EATING AND GROWING
CHEN: EATING AND GROWING
LALLIMORE: Their vital signs! Something's happening! They're . . . I don't believe this . . .
UCHELL: Don't believe what? Doctor, just tell me what's going on!
KIRIREG: GROWING AND EATING AND GROWING AND wow suddenly I feel kind of relaxed
CHEN: GROWING AND EATING AND GROWING AND wow suddenly I feel kind of relaxed
LALLIMORE: They're completely in sync! The readings are exactly the same!
KIRIREG: it's like I'm spinning in place
CHEN: it's like I'm spinning in place
LALLIMORE: They're typing in unison! And they're still eating!
KIRIREG: but I'm perfectly calm
CHEN: but I'm perfectly calm
LALLIMORE: This is incredible! I've never seen anything like this!
UCHELL: Can somebody tell me what just happened?
RESEARCH VESSEL WISPFOLLOWER MESSAGE TO THE CREW FROM:
Mission Captain UCHELL
Gyroscopic Engineer KIRICHEN
UCHELL: I would like to ask you all to welcome our newest colleague to the Wispfollower. Engineer Kirichen has asked to assume the duties of former engineer Kirireg. Dr. Lallimore has certified them to be in a stable chimeric state, so I see no reason to object. I'll ask them to explain a little more so you know what to expect when you meet them.
KIRICHEN: Hello, everyone! Please don't be alarmed when you see me—I know I appear to be have transformed into a ring-shaped monstrosity with a florungal stem bursting from the anal region which is constantly being consumed by a slobbering overgrown mouth . . . but you should see what happened to the other guy.
Just kidding! I am the other guy!
The good news is that the weird physical stuff is distracting all the negative aspects of my personality(ies) and leaving me feeling very calm and able to do my job with no trouble at all. As long as I can see and type, I can calibrate gyroscopes.
So let's get on with this thing!
UCHELL: We'll be continuing with our observation mission as planned—please do everything you can to make Kirichen feel like part of the crew of the Wispfollower.
After all, there's a sense in which they were born here.
Thank you.
Paul R. Hardy has not yet built up a long enough list of credits to mention in a biography; but he was in last year's UFO anthology, so he's off to a good start. He resides in the United Kingdom and has a non-mysterious past as a maker of short films and corporate video. Thanks to recent surgery, he now makes an audible ticking noise with every heartbeat, while his sternum is held together by several loops of metal wire which are clearly visible on x-ray. He does not plan to use commercial air transport in the near future.
From This She Makes a Living?
Esther Friesner
The town of Chelm enjoys a dual existence, both on the map of Poland and in the heart of anyone who appreciates a good laugh. Like England's Gotham and Denmark's Mols, the Chelm of Jewish folklore is reputed to be a place entirely populated by fools. It is not the first (Cumae's membership in the Chowderhead Chamber of Commerce goes back to the fifth century, B.C.E., in spite of being home to the all-knowing sybil.) and a quick glance at any newspaper will tell you that it is far from being the last(1).
1 Other fool-centric communities of the world include Lagos in Mexico (for those who prefer to do silly things in a better climate) and the Italian town of Montieri in Tuscany (for those fools smart enough to realize that the worst blunders are most happily forgotten with a glass of the best wine.)
But fools or not, what did they ever do to deserve dragons?
Reb(2) Nachem was the first to be devoured. It could have been worse. He was not a well man and Dr. Zoydmacher gave him only two weeks to live. The dragon gave him less.
2 Mister. Not a rabbi.
"It's for the best. He was suffering terribly," the respected healer said, holding forth among those worthies seated on the Chelm town council. "You could almost call it a mercy eating."
Pinchas Draykup, the town's butcher emeritus, sighed deeply. "Still . . . !" he said. And that was all he said, for the honorable Draykup was a man of more implications than words.
"What you say may be true, Dr. Zoydmacher, in this case," said Rabbi Elfundtvelf. "But suppose Reb Nachem is only the first to be devoured?"
Which he was. You read it here first, don't deny it. It's right up there at the start of this thrilling narrative. Yes, it is! How dare you lie in front of a doctor and a rabbi?
I'll deal with you later.
At that very moment Tanteh(3) Ruchel Zalman came bursting into the council chamber, tearing her hair and yowling like a sackful of cats with appendicitis. (Tanteh Ruchel was a woman who stretched the definition of zaftig(4) almost as far as the waistband of her yoga pants, so she could encompass a lot of cats.) "My Beynish! That rotten beast ate him in one bite!"
3 An affectionate term meaning "Auntie," whether or not you're related.
4 Describes a female of generous proportions; pleasingly plump; very pleasingly. Hubba-hubba!
"Impossible!" cried a horrified Mottel Elimelech-O'Connell, Chelm's chief economic advisor and freelance reader of entrails.
Tanteh Ruchel shrugged. "All right. So it was maybe two bites instead of one, so sue me. The animal was eating my husband and I was running for my life. Excuse me if I didn't count so good."
There was a general susurrus of alarm and speculation in the council chamber. The intense continuo of rhubarb-rhubarb-rhubarb was punctuated by periodic offers from Pinchas's son Leib, Chelm's attorney general, to go ahead and sue the widow Zalman. She'd asked for it, hadn't she? Her late husband was one of the town's richest citizens. If she settled out of court, they'd collect enough to more than cover the budget for the annual council picnic.
Pinchas responded as any proud father might, by giving his son a hefty klop in the head. "Shmendrik!(5) Who cares about picnics? We've got dragons!" It was the longest string of words anyone on the council had ever heard him utter. Truly our children inspire us to accomplish extraordinary things.
5 A jerk.
"All the more reason to live well, while we still can," Leib countered. "I'm talking caviar and craft beers!" He got another klop for that.
The rabbi rose to his feet, shaking his head slowly. "Dragons. Oy. It gets worse every year," he said with a sigh. "It's almost as if the Holy One, sanctified be his name, is testing us to see if we are worthy to continue living in this blessed state."
Dr. Zoydmacher, that notable man of science, blew a scornful breath through his thick mustache. "How do you call our situation blessed?" he demanded. "We're not a town; we're a laughingstock! Look up the name of Chelm anywhere you please. Nine times out of ten you'll see us called the village of fools!"
