Behind the Fence, page 11
“How is it going to be okay?!” There was no calming down for me. I didn't even notice the tears streaming down my face. “I lost everything starting that stupid job, I lost Indy because of that monster and now I'm going to lose Alice.” I realized I was being slightly dramatic, but I felt justified in my reasoning.
“Well, he doesn't know where she lives. He will probably lose interest as soon as he is out and becomes distracted by the rest of the world.” Eric reasoned with me to the best of his ability.
I threw my arms up in despair. “Sure, that's what everybody says who sees these guys leave from behind the fence. It's just the way we try to make ourselves feel better about what we know will again happen. We just want to give ourselves hope it won't. Barney will hurt again, if not Alice, then somebody. We both know that for a fact. And nobody can do anything about it.”
The way the system worked was so backward. Working behind the fence we had all known it. There is more time spent protecting the monsters then the victims. I had even gotten in trouble once for stopping one of the guys behind the fence from calling his little five year old victim. I was told that it was “his right” to use the phone, and I couldn’t prove he was calling the little girl. There was nothing to protect the people who obeyed the law and wanted to live safely. Everything was reactive, not proactive. And excuses were always being made... “They had a tough life.” “They are mentally retarded.” “They hear voices.” “It had happened to them.”...It all boils down to the fact that they hurt someone. Period. Who really cares what the reason why is? If we can't stomach putting a bullet to their head, then why not put them away forever? The victim has to suffer forever. Why should the people who hurt them be allowed the freedom to hurt again? I always loved the idea of letting the victim or the victim's family decide the punishment. Leave it up to them. We were Indy's second family. It should be our say if he gets released. A very dark, and very logical, thought began forming in my head. I turned to Eric, suddenly much calmer “We need to get everyone over here.”
| 31 |
It took us almost a week to get everyone over to my place at the same time. I had to beg and plead to get some to change their plans. Barney still hadn’t left from behind the fence. Eric told me that they were just waiting for a room to open up in his new place, which could be any day. For my big meeting, almost everyone was there; Stacy, Carrie-Ann, Jack, Susan and Eric. I purposely chose a night where Alice couldn't be there. I told her we were just having a relaxing night. I didn't want her to know anything and didn't want her to think she was missing out on a night out. It weighed on my conscience that she was being left out, but it was for the best. Initially, we were all enjoying ourselves, giving hugs, eating, and pouring drinks. Jack was making his normal jokes, although his humor seemed to have lost some of its spark. As soon as everyone had their drinks and was relaxed on the couch chatting, Eric and I dropped the bomb on them. We told them everything, including Barney's obsession with Alice. There was a lot of anger from everyone at Barney leaving the fence.
Jack rubbed between his eyes, “What you guys need to understand that there has to be some kind of proof that Barney is still a danger to others to keep him behind the fence. You can't restrict a human's freedom with no reason. Do you have any tangible proof?”
I kind of shrugged my shoulders, “Well, not really, but we have what he said in class and what the staff said at his group home. Isn't that enough? I mean, we all know he is really dangerous, just ask any staff.”
Jack just shrugged, “The legal system can not just go off hunches and gut feelings. You need to find some kind of proof. Also, shame on you for breaking confidentiality.” He continued with his speech on breaking confidentiality for awhile. Susan was pretty quiet through everything. Stacy sat there, in silence, knowing most of it already.
“How is Alice through all this?” asked Jack
Stacy put her drink down, “Well, she is trying to be dismissive of the dangers, but I think she is pretty shaken. Barney has been calling her and sending her drawings at her work, almost everyday. It kind of freaks her out.”
Carrie-Ann just cried silently. The mood of the night was very quickly changing. No longer were we a bunch of friends enjoying ourselves. While the emotions were high and the timing was right, I asked them all to please just listen to me without judgment or interruptions. After they all agreed, I told them of my plan.
Dead silence.
Eric, thinking this was just an evening to fill everyone in and not knowing anything about this idea, was the first to speak. “What the fuck are you thinking?!” Actually, it was more of a shout. Jack then joined in, saying how he can't know this, he is risking his career even being around this discussion.
Stacy laughed, “Absolutely crazy! Not the greatest of jokes though.”
They were all talking at once. I just sat there waiting for everyone to stop talking. Once they did, I began to reason with them. I used every argument I had, every logical thing I could say. They gave me a chance to talk and when I was done, the arguing started again. I couldn't really focus on what everyone was saying to me. It was like a low hum. I had no doubt in my mind what I wanted to do and all of their words were not going to change my mind.
When I felt that it had gone far enough, I spoke up “Listen, I just wanted to let you all know. We are family, and I owe it to all of you to tell you the truth.”
All of a sudden, tear-streaked Carrie-Ann, who hadn't said a word this whole time, spoke up. “It's a good idea. I want to help.” The wrath of Jack and Eric then turned on her.
When they took a moment, Stacy paused and reached over and grabbed Carrie-Ann's hand. “I know this is probably the craziest thing I will ever say, but I will help if I can, as well.” She then turned to Jack and Susan. “Listen, I know this isn't a decision you ever thought you would have to make. But, just for once, think of it as a chance to protect the innocent without the politics. Even if you guys just walk away, don't say anything, and give us a chance, you would be doing your part.”
Jack stood up, “I need some air. Love, will you please accompany me?” He walked out the door with his wife. We were pretty sure that was the last we would see of Jack and Susan. Eric was still voicing his upset “I'm not in on this, but I should be there for you. I don't really want anything to do with this. It's a stupid, awful idea. It is wrong. But, it seems that you are determined and now you have support from these two. I guess I should at least listen. What do you have in mind?”
I was really surprised at the outcome of the talk. I figured I wouldn't get any support and that I was going to be on my own with it. I never thought in a million years that my friends would actually stick by in this plan. But, Stacy, Carrie-Ann and I began to formulate some fine tuning to my plan. Eric threw in his two cents here and there, still angry. As dark as our conversation was, the air around us seemed to be getting lighter.
About two hours later, Jack walked back into my apartment. He looked exhausted. “I'm here to advise you in legal matters. That's it.” We didn’t ask where Susan was. Actually, I don't think any of us cared. We were glad that Jack was going to join us. We found out later that Jack and Susan bitterly fought over this and she had stormed off, leaving him here with us. I had looked into it before I invited them, making sure that Jack wasn't a mandated reporter because I was pretty sure he would be against this. I never thought Susan would be the issue.
After the plan was made we all toasted. I couldn't believe how easy it was to convince the others to help me. It would be cliché to say we made promises to not tell anyone, but we did. We almost did it just to make each person feel better. We knew deep down that nobody would ever say anything. This was one of those moments where you figure out life isn't always warm fuzzies. Things have to be done. Sacrifices made. Indy always wanted to save people. Well, we were saving people, just not in the socially acceptable way. Morally? Well, that is up to each person and how they felt. But when it comes to my best friend, others can take their morals and shove them up their ass; we just have the guts to do what others wish. I do not doubt the world would be better without this monster in it.
I was up all night. Not necessarily upset, more just running through the plan, over and over. One could almost describe it as excited. I finally had an answer. Something that I could really do to make a difference. I didn’t feel helpless anymore. My helplessness had enveloped my world for so long that I had forgotten what it felt like to have control. Just wasn’t sure if I could go through with it. That was my biggest worry. When the moment was there, could I actually go through with it? Could I actually kill Barney?
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We all had our parts to play. Its almost like those homemade egg cracking inventions, the kind where the ball rolls down, hits the lever, sends something spinning, etc. Each one of us had to do what we needed to. I had the main role. I had the role of “the egg cracking.”
We avoided each other as much as possible and only talked in person about our plan. We would meet up at the library, or a cafe to chat. Deep down, I don't think anybody really thought that we would actually go through with it. We seemed to go through the motions of the plan, as if we all knew that at the last minute we would stop, as if it was just a fantasy. It was just nobody wanted to be the one to bail out first. Everything had to get done quickly, as Barney had left behind the fence and was out in the public already. Alice knew nothing of our plan, she told Stacy she was pretty sure that Barney was at her work the other day. She was worrying about him and his behavior, so she didn't notice that something was going on with all of us. Eric seemed to kind-of come around. He didn't want to be a part of it, but then he also did. He was having a hard time with the morality of it. We didn't force him to stick around, he just did.
The surveillance had been done mainly by Carrie-Ann. She took some vacation time and stayed with me. Her man fully supported her in spending time with me, even though she didn't tell him why. I'm sure that one day she would, but not right now. It was nice having her around again. Since Barney didn't know her, she seemed to be the best person for the surveillance. She did a very thorough job, noting everything he did. We knew where Barney was staying when he left his house and which bar he was going to the most. He also frequented the local strip club, probably looking for a back-up victim. We knew his routines. Luckily, he was a creature of habit so it made it easier and quicker to get all the information.
His death had to appear to be either suicide or an accident. We all agreed that the suicide idea wouldn't work. Barney only cared about himself, so much so that nobody would believe he took his own life. It was too valuable to him. So that left an accident. Since he didn’t drive, we couldn’t tamper with his car. Too obvious anyway. It had to be silent, swift and decisive. An execution of sorts. Since he had to check in where he lived, he would be missed very quickly. It would have to appear that he just disappeared, so everyone would think he just left the program.
Stacy managed the finances. Since she had more money then most, she handled the cost of our plan. She financially took care of anything we felt was needed. She just gave me a huge sum of cash to get things going. She had a genius for an accountant and was able to spend most of her money in ways that it wouldn't get traced back to her. She used charity as a cover; and at times she was making other legitimate reasons for why she was spending the money. She thought of it as an investment. Since she had gotten nowhere with the private detective, I think she felt this was a way she could get answers and justice.
Jack still tried to avoid the situation as much as he could. He was very internally torn on the plan. He probably would have reported us if he truly thought that we would go through with it. On occasion, he legally advised us on what to do to avoid prosecution if we got caught and was prepared to defend us if necessary in court, all very grudgingly.
Eric was to be there to help me if anything went wrong. He had no specific parts, except as backup. Since he never knew Indy and his loyalty to the group was because of me, we agreed to keep him at a distance as much as possible. There was a slight question that us girls had about Eric and Jack staying true and keeping their mouths shut. We kept them out of the details as much as possible, but we still went off the idea we could trust them.
I loved them all so dearly. I didn't tell anyone of them about the other part of the plan. The part where I would not just do the deed, but where I would just jump off the cliff into the dark world that Barney lived. I would have to become part of his world to provide the justice that would be understood by Barney, and deserved. My friends knew part of this plan, only part. I didn't want them burdened with the weight of knowing what would really go on. It wasn't right to bring them into the darkness. This was all me, solo through it all. So I did the research, tracked people down and handled most of it myself.
Part of the plan was to all separate for a week after the deed, unless something happened. I would get on Stacy's yacht and be out at sea until the others could tell if I was suspect. I had planned to take a month off from my job, claiming I hurt my back lifting a shipment of flowers. I was going to say I was so hurt that I was immobile, so no one, if it came to it, thought I would be physically capable of anything. We were sure that Alice would be hitting up her reporter channels for her job and would know if something involved me, thus telling everyone, and Jack would listen to his cop buddies. If something pointed toward me, then I would head to a non-extradition country immediately. It wasn't really a big deal to me leaving. I had no career, and Eric was going to have to be a relationship casualty in this. A possible necessity that he had no idea about...he believed he was just going to visit me all the time. In my mind, I was doing the right thing. I was righting a wrong. Anyway, retirement in some beachy area sipping drinks out of a pineapple didn't sound too bad.
| 33 |
The hotel was as sketchy and as seedy as they come. Before you even walked in, the urine stains running down the front of the sidewalk and in the corners assaulted your eyes, the smell of unwashed bodies and feces assaulted your nose and there was a tremor of fear that ran down your spine as you looked at the neon sign flashing “Vacancy.” The lobby wasn't much, just a tiny little room with a tiled floor and an old Formica counter top. I picked this place because they ask no questions and, for the right price, they lie. I had done quite a bit of asking around and their reputation for discretion seemed to be well earned. The guy behind the desk, the owner, definitely was not going to ask any questions. He was overweight, smoked like a chimney and it didn't seem like he even cared to get up from his TV to see who came and went. I had paid two weeks for five rooms, cash. I had made sure to conduct my business with a wig and glasses on. For an extra $100 I secured a key to the back door, so I could come and go unobserved.
I got room 407 and the rooms above, below and next to. A sort of sound proofing thing. Most of the people who came here were either hourly, or looking for a cheap, quick place to live. Cash-in hand for two weeks was not out of the ordinary. What was out of the ordinary was me, a skinny white girl who was obviously not a drug addict or hooker. I had to make sure I wasn't memorable. It probably didn't matter anyway, the sweet deal I had offered the guy behind the desk had him at my service. He was going to handle a lot for me. When all was said and done, he would be a couple of thousand dollars richer if he kept his mouth shut.
I had put on the cheapest, tacky clothes I could find. Flowers and neon. I made them dirty and rubbed some horrible stinky stuff on them. For my face I put dark circles under my eyes and gave my skin a tint of yellow. I wore a horrible wig that looked like a very bad dye job. I looked the part of a very unfortunate soul who needed to stay at the hotel. Since most of the people staying at the hotel ran in the same circles and everyone kinda knew everyone, I came up with the cover story that I was an addict who had left my husband and was hiding out. My family knew where I was and would be stopping by, that is why I needed the extra discretion and key to the back door. Nobody wanted to tell on the abused woman hiding from her abusive husband, so I would be safe from people talking to outsiders, and I would be left alone.
If anybody at the hotel saw me, I, hopefully, was a person that sorta looked like every other person they knew. My goal was to be as forgettable as possible. I prepared the rooms. I chose the 4th floor for the event for a few reasons. High enough that people on the street couldn’t see, but low enough that a quick entrance and exit was possible. The rooms were your typical cheap hotel rooms. The carpet was worn from years of traffic and use. There was a painting of a flower nailed to the wall over the bed, a Dahlia I think. The curtains were an off white, also worn and had a tint of dirt to them. There was no air conditioner, just the window that you could open to get some air. The bed was old and had a yellow flowered bedspread on it that I was pretty sure had never been washed. There was a small refrigerator in there, and the TV was pretty nice. I'm sure the housekeepers tried to keep the place decent, but the smell of old cigarettes and booze must have permeated the walls. I was not looking forward to using the shower. I needed to remember to bring shoes with me to wear in it. Leaving my home for the next few days, I began to make phone calls from the lobby. I didn't have to worry about cameras anymore. Part of the deal with the office guy was that the cameras were “out of order.”
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The day came to start the ball rolling. I had spent the previous week by myself, preparing for what might occur. I had continued to work, planning my back accident, and kept my same routine to keep up appearances, but my mind was elsewhere. I had tried to think of everything that might go wrong. The night before I took a long bath, and, as crazy as it sounds, had a conversation with Indy. I went to the roof of my apartment and spent some time telling her what I was about to do. In a way, I was asking for her forgiveness and, looking for my own peace of mind. In looking at the stars and feeling the cool night breeze, I felt an acceptance of what was to come. The next morning, I went to the hotel and made my last phone call from the lobby.
